The Life I Dreamt

Everyone has this life and lifestyle that they want. That they’ve dream about since an early age. Well I guess I’m quite lucky to be pretty close to mine. I’ve always wanted to flat with some friends in a big city, have our own place and care for it altogether. Hang altogether but be able to do whatever I want at the same time. Right now, I have all that. I’m flatting with a Taiwanese guy and a Shanghai guy and being a three-person family like this is kinda nice.

They’re into games and anime as most boys are and have introduced me to some games and anime that I thoroughly enjoy. I love living here I really do. We always game till late and then wake up late like there’s not a care in the world even though there is and everything is just so chill. I can do what I want when I want and there’s no one hassling me, I can completely be my own person.

Being in Auckland as well, there are so many more opportunities and people and I’m loving it here. You can walk out at night to find things still open, people still walking around and a lot of cars still driving around. That’s something I love about big cities, the fact that the city never rests.

For now though, I should really focus on correspondence more. I’m really looking forward to uni next year and making more friends in the meantime and then as well. Rebuilding a life in a different city is hard but my luck has been good so far and hopefully it’ll continue. For now, I’m pretty content where I sit.

I owe a lot of this to Ian, my parents and flatmates. Without my parents I wouldn’t have been able to move up here, without Ian I wouldn’t have been able to find this amazing flat to live in and without my flatmates I wouldn’t be having so much fun.

Summer Vacation

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged anything and I guess that’s due to a feeling of “not bothered” after exams. Along with some other problems which have now been sorted. I’ve decided to quit IB and will be going back into NCEA next year. To me, I think it’s probably the better alternative since I’m not heading anywhere out of the country for University so IB really serves no purpose and NCEA scholarships would be a better goal but I’ve been hearing about how it was a bad choice and I should try harder from Mum to no end though, and it’s starting to drive me insane. It seems we can’t carry a proper conversation without an argument and this is exactly what I’ve feared all my life. To become just as bad as my mother and arguing back with everything. I can handle anything, just not being her. She’s the one thing I do not wish to become.

So for next year, I aim to get straight excellences in at least Stats, Biology, Classics and Japanese. As for English, I’m not too certain about straight E’s there but I will try to get nothing less than a Merit. I also intend to work hard towards a Biology, Japanese and Classics scholarship so here’s to a year of super hard work.

Thanks to Kristina and a lot of “YOU SHOULD“‘s and “WATCH IT”’s from a lot of friends, I’ve decided to invest my time on Vampire Diaries, which was not a mistake. I’m loving the series and even though it holds an uncanny resemblance to the Twilight plot line, it is far more entertaining and full of rather attractive men.

So considering that I’ve recently gone through a break up and have much more free time now, I will spend my holidays doing these things:

Watching:
Vampire Diaries
Top Gear
Random movies

Playing:
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
FF series again
Digimon World
Birth By Sleep (I hope)
Guitar
Piano 

Hanging out with a lot of good mates I’ve missed hanging out with this year and having more sleepovers

Reading:
Brisingr
Harry Potter series

Studying:
For Bio and Jap scholarship
Classics
Some Stats

Plus I will work a lot more and save up a lot more money =]

Despite all the family arguments, I’m actually feeling a lot lighter after deciding to drop IB. I won’t need to do all the extra stuff and can focus more on what I want, need and my hobbies, which will be great. Next year’s going to be ace!

No Time for a Second Guess

I know that society is crazier than ever right now. People are busier, days are passing faster and there’s more competition all around. But that shouldn’t be an excuse to not live. Society is so stressed out these days, we’re forgetting what we’re all here for: to live. What happened to living? What happened to just dropping everything and saying “Screw it” when you get frustrated and popping out for a walk to appreciate all the good things around you? What happened to just laughing without considering the consequences for the time being and what happened to just telling someone or your friends you love them without all the ridiculous bullshit follow ups?

Yes times are getting tougher. We’re heading into a era where there’s competition all around us and sometimes we’re going to have to work a little harder to get to where we want to be. But in compensation for working harder, we should be playing harder. For every few hours of hard work, we should follow it up with a reward. A drink, a book, some food, a movie, whatever it is we enjoy.

“Life’s too short”?
Life’s always been too short. It didn’t get any longer to provide us any leeway for having to work harder, we have to compensate by ourselves.

“It’s too hard”?
Well of of course it’s hard. Life’s always been hard. On you, on me. Yet we get through the hard times nevertheless. No matter how long it takes or what we have to do, we come out all right in the end. Just bear it a little longer. I know sometimes we wish everything would just stop so we could take a breather but we don’t have the ability to control time. It’s an art of learning to work with what you’re given and making do with it.

There are times when we’ll want to just break down and tear things down because we’re frustrated, angry or sad. Then there are times when we’ll feel like we could jump off a cliff and glide across the water’s surface, above all that reflective glittering liquid in the kind sun. And that’s just us. That’s human. We’re not machines that only need to be recharged then can head back on track. We need time to gather ourselves, our thoughts and our actions before we can fix the fault and try a second or third time. Sometimes it will take more than three tries but we keep trying. If we give up, then we’ll still be stuck in the same place we were trying to escape from. Is that really what we want?

We’re so young and so scared. Why are we scared? We need to stop caring what other people think and starting doing what we want. Stop waiting. Let’s live now and take risks. This life is ours, when are we going to realise we can do whatever we want?

We need to learn to say “No” and do what we promised ourselves. Just be who you want to be. Become who you want to be. If we fail, stop, take a break and then keep trying because if the will is strong, then the heart can be too. Help yourself first, and then help others but never forget to help others.

You didn’t get where you are today by worrying about tomorrow. Neither did I.
Some things we come across is going to require us to think on it a bit. Others are obstacles that ill appear throughout our lives, solely to see us to wing it. Because that’s what life is. Spontaneous and exciting.

Some are always going to tell us that we can’t do it. What we have to do is turn around, look them in the eye and say, “Just watch me”

We want a life that we can look back on when we’re older and laugh at, smile at and cry at. We want a life that’s ours.
Stop waiting, just go for it. Do we really have time to second guess ourselves?

Pieces of a Year

It’s scary to think that we’re already approaching the end of the year, that the exams are just around the corner and so is Christmas.

When did life pass by so fast?

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’ve lived through this year. I feel like I’ve done a lot of insignificant little things that don’t matter and won’t ever matter. I feel as though I’ve spent too much time this year doing things I didn’t need to do, yet those same seemingly insignificant things has made my life this year into a chapter in my life that I won’t forget.

Comparing my current self to myself from last year, I’ve changed so much and come a long way. I’ve loved and lost someone who was very special this year and after 3 long years, I’m able to let that person go because I know they’re happy. There will always be a small part of me that will love and care for that person but I don’t need them anymore, I’ll just cherish the memories but I will never regret.

I’ve also gone through the worst family arguments this year yet they’re beginning to clear up now. I’m not so worried anymore about what will happen family wise. Regardless of what happens, I will be moving away end of next year and I will be looking forward to that. And I know now that despite whatever happens, there will be two people, Mum and Dad, who I will continue to love unconditionally. I may not understand why sometimes but I will always appreciate all they have done regardless of what they have sheltered me from.

And right now, I’m the most content I’ve ever been. There’s one reason to that and it happens to be him. Ever since my break up in May, I’ve been up and down. I feigned my happiness and tried to cover up what I was really feeling, thinking that maybe if I laughed a little harder, everything would be a little easier. All the pretense only to find out that trying to be strong only made me weaker. I became so much of a crybaby it was unreal.
I’ve always been that girl who never shed a tear, even in the worst and toughest moments I’ve always been able to hold myself together while everything else fell apart and everyone else broke down, I’ve always been able to stand firmly on my feet and smile. And I was always told by others, that was what kept them going. So this year, I felt like I let my friends down, because even though I tried to keep positive for them, even though I tried to be there for them when they were going through rough times, I wasn’t able to do much because I couldn’t help myself. If you can’t help yourself, you can’t help anyone. I think I’ve cried more this year than in my entire lifetime and I miss the confidence I used to have. I want to help as many people whenever possible in my lifetime and that can’t be done if I’m secretly falling apart.

I can feel that I’m gradually becoming more stable with my emotions once again but I’ve also learnt to be more open. I used to pretend to be a drone, a rock that couldn’t be cut because I wouldn’t show others enough of me so they could hurt me, but now I’ve found a way to open up and take what comes but draw out the positives in everything and I’m so much happier this way with this new, even more concrete confidence.

All that’s left to do this year are IB mock exams and once those are over, I plan to focus on getting my life completely back on track. I can already feel that these holidays and my final senior year in high school is going to be the best chapter in my life so far.